Being Point

Month: May 2010

  • How Would Your Life Be Different If You Trusted Differently?

    How would your life be different if you trusted differently? In other words, what effect does the depth and quality of your trust have on your life?

    Some people report that they trust to excess, some trust too easily, some not at all, and some in what feel like random ways. It *could* be true that our results largely depend on how much we consider trusting to be a skill set that can be developed, enhanced and – ultimately – mastered.

    Who taught you to trust? What kind of guidance did you receive, and has it been useful or hurtful? Have you been taught about trust more by trial and error – or by a more organized and intentional means?

    Would you consider your trusting yourself to be a matter of personal growth that, with focus, could be addressed in a way that has your life be happier and more fulfilling? If not, why not? What are the alternatives?

    How much do you trust your life?

  • “As Soon As You Trust Yourself, You Will Know How To Live” ~ Goethe

    After a client meeting this week, a very talented colleague was surprised that I shared an opinion that he said he had not been sufficiently comfortable to share. He said, “I should trust myself more.”

    Goethe said, “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”

    What are the implications of trusting yourself? Perhaps that . . . you keep your own counsel, you are willing to honor your instincts, you know yourself and what matters to you . . . and you’re willing to take risks to be true to your core values.

    When you trust yourself, courage comes both more easily and more frequently. You’re less willing to be a pleaser and more willing to honor your life with choices that you clearly make . . . rather than those choices that are made for you, either directly by others, or indirectly by inherited belief systems and customs.

    What is the degree to which you trust yourself? Has your ability to trust yourself increased or diminished over time? Who is your best role model for trusting herself or himself?

  • “You Can Trust . . . Just Don’t Trust People”???

    Great feedback about trusting yesterday, including this from a great friend and generationally-talented artist, “You can trust . . . just don’t trust people.” It’s said, I’m sure, tongue in cheek, yet many of us have acted from that perspective in the past.

    Fact is that we humans have let others down. We have ignored our promises. We have broken trust. Yet, we want to be trusted and to be trustworthy. And we desperately want to trust.

    Someone said: “In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours.”

    What is the nature of your relationships of trust that bind? How solid are they? What can they withstand? How confident are you of them no matter what?

    Do you trust situations, animals, organizations, institutions more than you trust people? What changes would you like to experience in trusting other humans? How has your ability to trust been damaged? How can it be healed?

  • “Trust Only Movement. Life Happens At The Level Of Events, Not Of Words. Trust Movement” ~ Alfred Adler

    A controversial contemporary of Freud, Alfred Adler, wrote:

    “Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.”

    When considering whom to trust, one compares words and deeds. When Adler speaks of “movement,” he is referencing action like the old saying, “Action speaks louder than words.” He goes beyond that comparison to say that “only” movement – action – can be trusted. He basically discounts words altogether.

    How much do you trust words in comparison to actions? Are you generally trusting of words, or do you need movement to back them up? What personal guidelines have you developed in deciding whom to trust relative to talking versus movement?

    Has there been a difference between your own words and your actions? If so, what accounts for that difference? How have you addressed it in your key relationships?

  • What Would You Teach Your Children About Trusting?

    Headlines over the last few years have been saturated with stories about trust gone bad. Confidences broken, tales told, sacred commitments thrown away.

    Trust is a complex topic. Trust is faith and belief in the veracity of a human being or in a human organization. Knowing who to trust is among the most important decisions for anyone. Whom do you trust? And on what bases?

    The flagship British Petroleum gas station at the corner of Olympic and Robertson in Los Angeles – the one that was so futuristic with the big green and yellow flower BP logo (“beyond petroleum” – supposedly so “green”) – is now, suddenly, an Arco station.

    No BP signage anywhere. An interesting trust issue since BP owns Arco. It’s just a simple name change. Can’t say that it makes me trust BP any more – probably a little less trust in that its intent seems to be to deceive.

    Have you ever experienced an individual or a business trying to gain your trust – and then deceiving you? How do you make the decision about whom to trust? What would you teach your children about trusting?

  • Replace “Get-To” And “Have-To” With “Choose-To”

    On our last of five days of considering “get-to” vs. “have-to,” Christina provides some great feedback:

    “Yes, there are some things we ‘have to’ do/be, etc. and that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ thing … and it just might be a very positive thing for us to take on that sense of responsibility … sacrifice even. Words that scare us perhaps, but necessary ways of standing up for and shouldering what we need to take a stand for. And somehow it seems that it’s gone out of fashion/vogue to be the one not to divert our eyes; to be the one who will say, ‘no, no more of that,’ or ‘yes, I will take an unpopular or unsafe position on this issue.’ Sometimes we do ‘have to’ do things and maybe that’s just fine … it’s not victim-hood, it’s taking a necessary and vital stand.”

    Excellent feedback and true enough! There are some things that we “have-to” do – that we are compelled to do by duty, responsibility, honor, commitment, principle.

    Her words got me thinking: Perhaps simply losing any sense of being put upon – or unduly privileged- is a way to transcend this “have-to” vs. “get-to” paradigm?

    Perhaps the most accurate way to address this issue is to reframe it in a far more powerful way. Shift to “Choose-To”!

    How would focusing on “choose-to” make life clearer, more enjoyable, and far more powerful?

  • Cultivating “Getting To” Is Feeling Grateful

    “Getting to” is a way of looking at the world in a way that removes all feeling of victimhood. The more one “gets to” do something, the more one appreciates that everything in life is an opportunity. A situation can be difficult, tragic, inconvenient and horrible – but among the ways to look at it is with appreciation.

    A wonderful long-time friend and Coaching for Results(R) alumnus writes from Colorado:

    “What you are referring to (“get-to”) is actually living a life of gratitude. I do this every day….I have been thru so much that this is the ultimate outcome… daily gratitude. It is one of the highest emotions we can experience… and is also self- perpetuating.”

    How was your experiment of going through the day and viewing everything as a “get-to”? Did you notice anything different? Did you feel better? Worse? The same? Did the exercise feel contrived or false? Or did it feel useful and fun?

  • Is Everything In Life A “Get-To”?

    Some say that almost everything in life is a “get-to” because we have free will. That seems true in the absolute sense of the word. From that perspective, most of our “have-to’s” stem from the choices that we “get-to” make.

    For example, most people “have to” work in order to provide for ourselves and our families at the levels that we choose. But to say that we “have-to” make the lifestyle and spending choices that we make seems inaccurate.  Is it more accurate to say you “have-to” send a child to college or that you “get-to” do that?

    Today, as an experiment, view everything as a “get-to” – as a privilege, a gift, a joy, a supreme opportunity. Please do so not in some “rose-colored-glasses” way of thinking, but as an inquiry into your life experience.

    Is your orientation – your habitual way of living – more “get-to” or “have-to”? Don’t judge it, please. Just observe and let me know what happens. Be mindful of how this perceptual shift impacts your results.

  • The Three Levels of “Get-To”

    Today, let’s explore the things you “get” to do. Usually, these activities are fun, free from work, and done with friends or family. “Get to” implies pleasure, opportunity, privilege or something you don’t want to miss.

    Getting to travel, exploring a new place, trying a new restaurant, getting to know people in a deep way, spending quality time with your children, throwing a ball with your dog . . . all these are examples of “get to.”

    There’s a next level of “get to” which is about doing things that on their faces would not “normally” be “fun,” but in a particular context, they are fun. For example, working in a soup kitchen, cleaning up after a charitable event, spending time working on a school or church project . . . or, the classic: helping a friend move. “Getting to” be of service and being helpful to someone or something can feel great.

    On perhaps the highest level – a level that we can often forget – is that we “get to” live. We get to have a life – with all that that implies. More on that later this week.

    What are your favorite “get-to’s”? Think about the three levels above. It’s astounding what we “get to” do; isn’t it? Please share your “get-to’s” with us!

  • Privilege vs. Obligation: How Are You With “Get-To” vs. “Have-To”?

    This past Sunday morning, I attended a high-energy Ecstatic Dance event; and when the group of about 125 people was seated in a circle, the facilitator asked each person to meditate for a moment and become aware of a core intention to focus on and nurture in the coming weeks.

    After thinking for a moment, the thought that came to my conscious awareness was that I would like to diminish and / or eliminate feelings of “have to” and replace them with feelings of “get to.”

    Truth be told, most of us are blessed with far more “get-to’s” than “have-to’s” because we have voluntarily made the core choices which have created most of our “to-do’s.” Ironic, isn’t it, that when blessed with the ability to make so many of our own choices, many of us have often felt burdened?

    How are you with “get to” versus “have to”? Which of the two do you spend most of your time doing? Do you feel differently in one mind set distinguished from the other? How conscious are you about the distinctions between the two: privilege vs. obligation?